Marital Dating Advice

Many people find at some point in time that their marriage or long term relationship may have got slightly boring and that their sex life needs a boost. This is where an adult dating website can help individuals find like minded adults looking for similar affairs and adult fun.

It is accepted that both adult men and adult women have marital affairs, this is a given and undisputed fact and has always and will always be the case. The main difference over the last 10 years is in the mechanism that people now use to instigate a marital affair. More and more married people looking for extramarital affairs use the internet. This affords them the convenience, safety and anonymity they require in their search for a married encounter. Current research suggests that about 60 percent of adult men and 40 percent of adult women will use adult dating online websites to find married men and married women for marital dating and extramarital affairs.

There are many reasons why people look for extramarital affairs and these include lack of sexual interest from their partner or in their partner and generally looking for more excitement and to basically spice up their sex life.

There is a feeling of anonymity online so adult men and adult women tend to explore subjects that they wouldn’t otherwise be able to. Online dating websites have huge database of members and if you’re interested in cheating on your wife or your husband then there is a married woman or married man who is interested in you. You can take your online search as far as you want, this could lead to a full blown affair, one night stand or you may decide that this person doesn’t match what you are looking for and start searching again. Adult websites allow you to read, view a photo or video, chat online before you make any decision on whether to meet up or not. From this point of view it is both safe and discrete.

Never has it been so easy to meet other like minded adults for married affairs,. The Internet is the most common form of meeting married men and women for discreet affairs and adult fun. Most of theses websites are free to join and to have a look at who is on their database, you will normally then need to sign up on a paying basis to access the full functionality of the website. A simple mouse click and you can find thousands of people looking for adult fun. You can do everything from sending messages, sending winks, online chat and even video/web cam flirting with people in the area of your choice depending on how far you are willing to travel for an extra marital affair. Most members do prefer to look locally for to find affairs with married men or married women.

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Sex Ed in the Sixties

The following is from the beginning of a short story by the same title. Read “Author Bio” to learn more.

****

I was recently doing a search in Google to find a website that would confirm my suspicions about a Tele-huckster–a pet peeve of mine to which I am hopelessly addicted. One thing led to another and, yada yada yada, before I knew it, my flat screen monitor began flashing a string of sexually explicit pictures in brilliant pulsating color. It was an X-rated pop-up extravaganza; one I was unable to keep up with. I clicked frantically trying to close one close-up invasion after another. The bombardment continued on until it ran its course, eventually reaching some kind of worldwide web adult abyss that even the internet could not crawl below.

As I cleaned up the dirty debris I so innocently spilled–well maybe not that innocently–I was struck by my good fortune. Thankfully, the internet came along decades after my early teen years. Had this stuff been around in the Sixties, I might still be squirreled away in my attic room to this day, trimming the hair on my palms while mumbling incoherently to my seeing-eye dog.

On the other hand, learning the whereabouts, general appearance and overall purpose of female parts would have been a heck of a lot easier, not to mention more timely. Instead, my sex education was really the collective result of a hit or miss operation. At the time it was torture, but I don’t know, there was something funny about it too. And it all started at my local summer recreation center, Carteret Park …

****

“What did Roy Rogers say to Dale Evans in the bedroom when the lights went out?” Mud Finnegan asked a rapt group of adolescent boys sitting around a long wooden table at our local summer hangout, Carteret Park. He was about twelve years old, a year older than I and several years older than most of the kids sitting on the benches–that was age-wise but he seemed a generation older than all us in every other way.

Mud looked around, working the table like a seasoned Catskill comedian. No one dared answered his question because it really wasn’t a question at all. It was an obvious lead-in to the punch line of another classic dirty joke; besides, no one had a clue as to the possible answer–no one that is except Moon Muller.

“I know!” Moon yelped in a lame attempt to impress the guys, as if he was really in the know.

“Shut up! You don’t know crap!” Fitzy snapped back, warning that one of his patented headlocks might be coming Moon’s way if he didn’t keep his big trap shut.

“Do too!” Moon fired back in a surprising show of bravado.

“Are you two f’in jerk-offs through?” Mud, as only Mud could do, used the “F” word with a certain artistic flair. He painted masterpieces with four letter words no differently than Monet did with colors from a pallet. Having regained the attention of his fickle audience, he continued to close the deal.

“Do you f’in dick heads want to hear the f’in joke or doncha?” His eyes got wide and kind of crazy looking, one eyebrow climbing higher than the other. Of course, we wanted to hear. Everyone settled down. He waited a moment, knowing timing was everything; then, delivered the goods.

“I’ll turn on my flashlight if you turn on your headlights.”

A flash of universal vacant thought swept across the sea of open jawed faces, like the eerie stillness before a tornado strikes, as our feeble brains scrambled to “get it”. Then, as if prompted by an audience monitor, an explosion of rip-roaring, doubled-over laughter swept around the table. Ah … Mud sure could bring it home. Making it all the more incredulous was that most of us struggled to understand the punch-line. But we knew enough to laugh because that always bought us time to figure it out.

Mud proudly acknowledged his success with a wide grin, while he waited for us to wipe the tears from our eyes, boogers from our noses and drool from our chins. He was on top of his game. Being the veteran performer he was, he launched into an encore with another doozey about some lost traveler asking some guy who is with a woman how far is “The Old Log Inn”; you can guess the answer. Another eruption of roaring, clueless laughter followed. Another tidbit of carnal information revealed.

That was my introductory class to sex education in the Sixties.
We weren’t taught concepts like “private parts”, and never heard of or cared much for formal words like “penis” or “breast” or “vagina”. Our language was narrow and practical; “logs” or “rods” and “headlights” or “cams” were all we knew or needed know to communicate with each other. Regarding “vagina”, only a few guys with older sisters had even the slightest notion of what that might be; most of us were under the delusion that girls had simply broken their logs off at birth; possibly by accident or through carelessness.

So all we had were Mud’s dirty jokes, and embellished stories of older sisters spied on or caught in some state of undress. It was all a forewarning of things to come. I mean we understood the direct symbolism of certain words to body parts and innately found the sophomoric humor in using such imagery in the context of a joke. But underneath it all we started to sense that there was more to this than met the eye, something sinister.

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The 6 Major Consequences of Sex Addiction

Sex addiction is a devastating disorder that comes with many severe consequences. According to the website Psych Central, “Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts.”

The progressive nature of the disorder, combined with the compulsion to commit increasingly risky sexual behaviors can lead to damaging results. Some of the most common behaviors committed by sex addicts include masturbation, pornography viewing, sexual activities with multiple partners, partner sexualization or objectification, engaging in simultaneous or repeated affairs, engaging in cyber or phone sex, risky sexual activity, attending strip clubs, soliciting prostitutes and visiting adult bookstores. The consequences of these behaviors run the gamut from social to spiritual.

1. Social Consequences
The social consequences of sex addiction can be severely damaging for individuals. Addicts unwillingly become drawn into their sexual behaviors and over time become distant to loved ones. They feed on the solitude of the addiction and find more ways to isolate themselves so they can “act out” in their obsessive and compulsive unwanted sexual behaviors. Broken spousal or partner relationships, strained family relationships and loss of friendship are all common social consequences of this addiction.

2. Emotional Consequences
Emotionally, sex addicts face an uphill struggle. As they battle their addiction, they experience a broad spectrum of emotions including anxiety and extreme stress, shame, guilt, boredom, and despair. The stress and anxiety stem from the fear of being caught. As the addiction progresses, addicts engage in behaviors that fall outside of their moral boundaries, which ultimately lead to feelings of guilt and shame. Boredom may be difficult to understand, but with addicts there is a constant need to increase the intensity of their behaviors. If they are unable to intensify their activities, then they will naturally become bored and possibly frustrated. Ultimately, despair overcomes sex addicts because they are unable to stop their behaviors in spite of their desire to recover.

3. Health Consequences
Sexual addiction can also come with serious health risks and consequences. Unprotected sex with multiple partners puts addicts at risk for sexually transmitted diseases. Additionally, these individuals tend to put themselves in dangerous situations to achieve their sexual gratification. This is particularly common as the addiction progresses and the need to intensify the sexual behaviors increases.

4. Legal Consequences
The compulsion to commit sexual acts may bring about legal consequences when the sex addict feels compelled to engage in unlawful activities. These activities include sexual harassment, making obscene phone calls, exhibitionism, voyeurism, prostitution, rape, incest, child pornography and child molestation. As the disease progresses and the addict regresses he or she takes more risks to intensify the payoff of their sexually addictive behaviors. This for some, leads to severe legal consequences.

5. Financial Consequences
Sex is a huge industry in the world today. Therefore, it is easy to understand how this addiction can lead to serious financial consequences. Engaging in sexual activities – visiting strip clubs, soliciting prostitutes, purchasing pornographic paraphernalia, phone sex, live sex shows, web cams, porn membership sites, sex toys and adult movies and so many other available sexually addictive media- can become a financial burden for someone with a addiction. Combine the extra expenses with poor job performance at work and one finds the potential for financial trouble. Sex addicts can face a downgrade in pay, or worse yet, lose their jobs as a result of poor performance and dereliction of duties.

6. Spiritual Consequences
Moreover, sex addicts face spiritual consequences as a result of their addiction. Many people who struggle with this issue experience loneliness, resentment, self-pity and self-blame. Together, these emotions are spiritually damaging. The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health states that “these consequences are progressive and predictable. The addict tends to minimize the consequences and blame others for them. When the blaming stops, recovery begins. The consequences can become the instruments for change if they can be truly recognized and accepted instead of denied.”

Therefore recognizing the consequences of sex addiction is an important part of the recovery process. However, the addict himself and those around him need to be willing to accept the consequences and acknowledge the need to change. The sex addict needs to accept responsibility in order for true change to begin.

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Issues to Remember When Visiting Adult Websites

There are tons of adult websites on the internet nowadays. It is very common for use to visit these sites from time to time. In fact, there is nothing wrong when you are visiting these sites. You may just want to search for the best sex positions when you are visiting these sites. Yet, there are some points you need to remember when you are visiting them.

If it is possible, you should never use your private email address when you subscribe. Although the adult websites or the sites on the best sex positions may have their own privacy policy, it will be a lot safer if you do not use your private email address. The best way will be using some free email accounts such as Yahoo Mail, Hotmail and Gmail when if you want to subscribe.

You may need to pay for subscriptions to the adult website. You may think that you can just pay by using your credit cards. However, it can sometimes be dangerous for you to do so. The best situation will be that the websites accept payment using systems such as PayPal and Epassporte. If they do not, you can still use some online virtual credit cards. The advantage of using such online virtual cards is that the limit of it is usually very low. So, you cam minimize the loss if someone get your credit card information while you are surf on the web.

When you are trying to explore the best sex positions, you may probably need to visit some adult forums. Yes, it is very important for you to discuss with other people in order to discover more. You have to remember that you should never use your real name when you register. There is no need to do so. You can still access the forums if you do not use your real name. By doing this you can protect your own privacy.

As you know, web browser such as Firefox and Internet Explorer will keep the history, cache and cookies when you are surfing on the web. Other people can easily know what kinds of sites you have visited. In order to protect yourself, you must delete all the history and cache after you visit the adult websites. It is even more important if you are visiting the websites in the office. Again, you are doing all these in order to protect yourself!

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Spy Web Cams

Spy cams are small cameras that transmit video output to a remote receiver. What’s special about them in comparison to other types of cameras is the fact that they are very small, sometimes even as small as a key after they are hidden. A spy cam can be useful in a variety of situations. They are used mostly for surveillance and don’t harm anybody. A particular type of spy camera cameras is the spy web cam. The difference between a spy web cam and a normal spy cam is that the data is transmitted live on the Internet, rather than to a receiver.

Such cameras are used to spy on people, places, and actions in nature.

Browsing the net, one will surely find websites that have such direct live feed. Some of them are displaying adult content and others give viewers the chance to watch something unusual. Live Internet broadcasts such as pay-per-view events usually use more advanced technology than spy web cams. More advanced cameras are utilized for the benefit of the normal paying customer.

Spy web cams are often intended for somewhat immoral reasons. Many Internet sites use this technology to broadcast live places like a public bathroom, a sauna, a strip club, or something else related to naked women, men, or sex. Also, a type of worm has been developed that basically takes control of a normal web cam and broadcasts the signal and the live image to a certain person. Of course, this is against the law, but many people still get a way with doing it.

While some people use spy web cams for illegal reasons, they are usually used for wholesome purposes. People can find hundreds of sites that give viewers a live feedback of a local area or of certain animals in their natural habitat, as well as other actions that give pleasure to people without involving anything adult. They can be useful but at the same time they can be used to spy on unsuspecting people.

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Adult Acne Remedy – Insane Secrets to Achieve Flawless Skin Revealed

Acne problems have often been associated with puberty. However, there are some people who continue to have various forms of acne even as an adult. One common problem faced by many adults is adult acne. Out of all the different types of acne, it is adult acne which has been considered to be the most severe type of acne plaguing adults all over the world.

What is Adult Acne?

Unlike most types of acne where blackheads or whiteheads might be present, adult acne is a type of severe nodular acne brought about infections deep within the pores. The infection causes the development of a cyst-like substance to form and accumulate within the skin. A person that is inflicted with this problem is one who eventually develops low self-esteem and confidence physically. Apart from the painful lesions brought about by adult cystic acne, a person suffering from adult cystic acne would need to deal with constant bleeding of the acne as well as the discharge of the cyst which is often characterized by a foul odor.

Causes of Adult Cystic Acne

No one can really say what causes adult cystic acne. However, there are a number of different probable causes. Some of the causes include:

· Poor hygiene
· Stress
· Hair follicles trapped underneath the surface of the skin
· Unbalanced diet

Treatment for Acne in Adults

While many may consider acne as a normal skin condition, it should not be taken lightly. In fact, in some occasions, a person suffering from this type of acne can eventually develop complications brought up about with the toxins found in the cyst. Here are some common forms of adult cystic treatments:

Prescription Medicines

Perhaps the most common form of treatment is the use of various prescription medications such as Orovo Acne and Oxycerin. These medications come usually in the form of ointments and serums. Prescription medications used in adult acne treatments are applied directly onto the skin. This is then absorbed into the inner layers of the skin, causing it to be able to treat the cyst-like substance characterized among people needing acne treatments.

Surgery

The most extreme form of treatment that is commonly being used is surgery. This type of adult acne treatment is often done is severe conditions. In this case, the depth of the cyst-like substance in the pores cannot be penetrated by other forms of adult acne remedy treatments. Here the cyst-like substance is drained out of the pores completely through a minor surgery procedure. Since this adult acne remedy does promote scarring, many of those who go through this kind of acne treatment are then referred to a cosmetic surgeon to treat the scars.

Rather using any chemical cure, it is always good and advisable to stick with natural cure! As examined before, chemicals might come with side effects, whereas natural cure will never harm you anyways. Natural ingredients like the Omega oils, Aloe Vera, and vitamin oil can create thunders and wonders with respect to adult acne cure. They could even stop swelling, redness and itchiness on your skin. For all these reasons, natural ingredients are always the best for adult acne remedy and treatment.

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Adult Onset Acne – The Facts About Adult Onset Acne

As you get older, you think that your acne will just go away. Think again! Although it is typically associated with teenagers, it is a condition that can continue on our pastor teens and into adulthood. Here are a few simple suggestions that you can use to treat your adult onset acne.

The disease of acne can cause several problems in adults, including social symptoms, physical, psychological symptoms. The same concerns from having regular or cystic acne, as a preteen or teenager, may still affect you as an adult. According to clinical studies, pimples have become a rising problem with adults.

Many adults may find it hard to treat and also difficult to admit that they have acne at all causing them to not seek treatment. Most adults can actually have a more difficult time dealing with the many psychological effects because there are so many misconceptions that occur in our society.

Some people who were affected by extreme cases, especially cystic acne, as teens do grow out of it. However, there are a surprising number of adults suffer from adult onset acne, a variety of that is becoming more academic everyday.

Acne can also cause discomfort in social situations. It will lower their self-confidence. There is a enormous amount of information available about adult acne, and people who are afflicted with this condition. By seeking psychological counseling, they may be better be able to deal with the psychological effects.

Adults need to be more careful with their skin, even more so than a young adult. Dermatologists have stated for years that an adult’s skin is actually more prone to scarring from acne due to loss of collagen as their skin ages. The scars can’t heal as effectively as they would on a teenager, and therefore become more prominent.

So, there are adult acne cures available at your local store and even over-the-counter. The best solutions are typically prescribed by dermatologists. Once the awareness for this disease has increased, more people will be seeking medical help for their adult onset acne.

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Adult Personals – Fulfilling Your Fantasies Through Adult Dating Websites

People are talking about adult personals. There’s no doubt about it. As regular dating sites are seen as too tame to meet their adventurous needs people are posting adult personals through adult dating websites. Every day thousands of people seeking alternative lifestyles write uncensored adult personals ads. Adult dating websites offers an enticing adult dating community where you are free to share and explore your wildest fantasies.

Imagine browsing through adult photo galleries of handsome men and beautiful women of every size and shape – just waiting to respond to your adult personals. There are many adult dating websites that have 100% free trials with no credit card or payment required to register.

In fact, adult personals are extremely steamy and attention grabbing. Upon entering an adult dating website you will find all types of adult personals. The website designs’ are user-friendly so that you can find your preferences whether its swingers personals, married personals, interracial personals, gay personals or BBW personals.

The opportunities offered by adult dating websites includes video chat rooms with sizzling video clips or watch 24hr live webcams of attractive people whose attire leaves little to the imagination. Plus, you can play interactive games or find out about the hottest adult parties and events in your area.

Some of the top adult dating websites are Yahoo adult personals and Adult Friend Finder personals. In the exciting world of adult personals, people are often looking for discreet local relationships.

But before you jump into the world of adult personals or brave the gates of any adult dating website, you should have a healthy self-image and a sense of self-liberation. What’s more, the adult dating sites contain mature material, pictures and contents for individuals seeking alternative encounters.

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Codependence: A Manifestation of the Adult Child Syndrome

1. Codependence as a Concept:

Those who identify with the adult child syndrome-that is, were brought up in a dysfunctional, alcoholic, or abusive home-of-origin and suffer from arrested development-often are also afflicted with a disease known as “codependence.” What does it have to do with the fundamental syndrome and what is it to begin with?

The understanding of a concept can often be augmented with comparisons, which increase the clarity of one when discussed in relation to the other. In this case, oddly, it can be achieved with the field of astronomy and what is known as a binary star.

Consisting of two identical stars, each locks on to the other’s gravity and perpetually orbits the other until one or the other ultimately dies out. They can be considered “codependent,” because they look toward the other and therefore rely on it for their existence. They are not independent.

Adult children may, at times, engage in their own binary star symbiosis with people. But why?

2. Origin of the Term:

Those who live with or are closely associated with those who are chemically or alcoholically dependent for their daily functioning can be considered “codependent,” because they quickly become “dependent” with and through them. Although the primary person may be considered the one afflicted with the disease, the secondary one or ones, who are usually the children chronically exposed to his or her behavior, adopt a byproduct of it, struggling to keep it together and function as optimally and efficiently as they can in the world after childhood circumstances progressively pulled them apart. Liquor and/or other substances need not be present.

Indeed, para-alcoholism, an early term for codependence, implies that a person’s actions are driven by the unresolved, painful emotions and fears he was forced to shelve in order to survive the unstable and sometimes detrimental effects of being raised by the alcoholic himself.

3. Origins, Definitions, and Manifestations of the Disease:

The codependent seed is planted when a person turns his responsibility for his life and happiness to either his ego (false self) or others, becoming preoccupied with them to the extent that he temporarily rises above his own pain and, in its extreme, can entirely forget who he even is, when he consistently mirrors someone else-in other words, if he looks out here to the other, he will not have to look in there to himself.

“Codependence, (a major manifestation of the adult child syndrome), is a disease of lost self-hood,” according to Dr. Charles L. Whitfield in his book, “Co-Dependence: Healing the Human Condition” (Health Communications, 1991, p. 3). “It can mimic, be associated with, aggravate, and even lead to many of the physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual conditions that befall us in daily life.

“When we focus outside of ourselves, we lose touch with what is inside of us: beliefs, thoughts, feelings, decisions, choices, experiences, wants, needs, sensations, intuitions… These and more are part of an exquisite feedback system that we can call our inner life.”

In short, a person can sever his connection with his consciousness and consciousness is who he really is.

Like expecting a home appliance to operate without plugging it into an electric socket, a codependent may merge with and feed off of another to such an extent that he no longer believes he can function independently.

The origins of the malady are the same as those which cause the adult child syndrome.

“The hallmark of codependency is taking care of people who should have been taking care of you,” according to Dr. Susan Powers of the Caron Treatment Centers.

Instead of being self-centered and expecting to get their needs met, children from dysfunctional, alcoholic, or abusive homes are forced, at a very early age, to become other- or parent-centered, meeting their needs, attempting to resolve or fix their deficiencies, and sometimes making Herculean efforts to achieve their love in what may be considered an ultimate role reversal.

If this dynamic could be verbally expressed, the parent would say, “What I can’t do, you’re expected to do yourself, substituting you for me.”

And this reality may well extend beyond themselves, since they are often forced to replace their parents during times that their younger siblings have need for them, becoming surrogate mothers and fathers.

In essence, they disregard their own need for a parent and become one themselves. Instead of being nurtured, they cultivate codependence, since it places them on a path that will entail seeking it in others.

“Our experience shows that the codependent rupture, which creates an outward focus to gain love and affection, is created by a dysfunctional childhood… ,” according to the “Adult Children of Alcoholics” textbook (World Service Organization, 2006, p. 60.) “The soul rupture is the abandonment by our parents or caregivers… (and) sets us up for a life of looking outward for love and safety that never comes.”

This condition is only exacerbated by the same parents who neither support nor permit a child to express or heal his hurts-and may actually be met with denial or shame if he tries to do so-leaving him little choice but to stuff and swallow them, resulting in a repressed, but mounting accumulation of unresolved negative emotions. After repeated squelching of a child’s observations, feelings, and reactions-in essence, his reality-he progressively disconnects from his true self and denies his crucial inner cues.

Unraveling, he is poised on the threshold that leads from in to out-that is, toward others and away from himself, sparking the conflict between his once true and since replaced false self, which manifests itself as codependence.

Forced, additionally, to focus on his parent’s moods, attitudes, and behaviors further plants the roots of this condition, but nevertheless becomes a necessary survival tactic for two primary reasons.

First and foremost, children assume responsibility for their parents’ deficiencies and ill treatment by justifying it, erroneously reasoning that their own flaws, lack of worth, and general unloveability are the culprits for the withholds of their validation and acceptance, thus shifting the burden from the ones who should be carrying it to the one who should not.

Secondly, adopting a sixth sense concerning their parents’ moods becomes a safety gauge and enables them to emotionally and physiologically prepare themselves for what has most likely become habitual and even cyclical negative confrontations of verbal and physical abuse.

As episodes of “expected abnormalcy,” they add insurmountable layers of trauma to the original, but no longer remembered one. Unable, then or now, to use the body’s fight or flight survival mechanisms, yet still drowned in a flood of stress hormones (cortisol) and elevated energy, they have no choice but to tuck themselves into the inner child protective sanctuary they created at a very young age as the only realizable “solution” to the parental-threatened and -inflicted danger, enduring, tolerating, and downright surviving the unfair power play and “punishment” they may believe is being administered because of “deserved discipline.”

Like signals, a mere frown on or cringe of a parent’s face may prime the child for the episodes he knows will assuredly follow. So thick can the tension in the air become at these times, that he can probably cut it with a knife.

Part of the wounding, which reduces a person’s sense of self and esteem and increases his feeling of emptiness, occurs as a result of projective identification. Volatility charged, yet unable to get to the center of or bore through his emotional pain, a parent may project, like a movie on to a screen, parts of himself on to another, such as his vulnerable, captive child, until that child takes on and identifies with the projection.

Releasing and relieving himself, the sender, (the parent) does not have to own or even take responsibility for his negative feelings. If the recipient (the child) ultimately acts them out after repeated projected implanting, whose emotions now mount into uncontainable proportions, the sender may berate or belittle him for them, in an ultimate out-of-persona dynamic, which transfers emotions from one to the other.

“If we have unhealthy boundaries, we are like sponges that absorb the painful, conflicted material of others sent from their inner life,” wrote Whitfield in “Co-Dependence: Healing the Human Condition” (Health Communications, 1991, p. 93). “It is clearly not ours, yet we soak it up.

“(This only causes) the true self to go into hiding to protect itself from the overwhelming pain of mistreatment, abuse, lack of being affirmed and mirrored in a healthy way, and the double and other negative messages from toxic others around it,” he noted.

These incidents, needless to say, become breeding grounds for both the adult child syndrome and its codependent manifestation.

“The adult child syndrome is somewhat interchangeable with the diagnosis of codependence,” according to the “Adult Children of Alcoholics” textbook (World Service Organization, 2006, pp. 6-7). “There are many definitions for codependence; however, the general consensus is that codependent people tend to focus on the wants and needs of others rather than their own. By doing so, the codependent or adult child can avoid his or her own feelings of low self-worth… A codependent focuses on others and their problems to such an extent that the codependent’s life is often adversely affected.”

Part of a codependent’s breeding occurs because a child needs his parents for his emotional and psychological development, yet he often dips into a dry well when he connects with them to achieve this goal, emerging dissatisfied, unfulfilled, and almost stung by the negative, rejecting energy. He may, in fact, implement several strategies to attain what he vitally needs, but will often fail, since his parents themselves never received what he seeks because of their own dysfunctional or incomplete childhoods.

If they could be considered profit-and-loss statements, they would most likely show an emotional deficit and, eventually, so, too, will the child, prompting his ultimate outward- and other- focus.

Bombarded with parental blame and shame, a child can quickly believe that he causes others’ negative or detrimental actions by virtue of his sheer existence, as if he were a negatively influencing entity and may carry both this belief and its burden for most of his life.

“As children, we took responsibility for our parents’ anger, rage, blame, or pitifulness… ,” according to the “Adult Children of Alcoholics” textbook (World Service Organization, 2006, p. 7). “This mistaken perception, born in childhood, is the root of our codependent behavior as adults.”

Dr. Charles L. Whitfield uncovers an even deeper cause.

“The cause of codependence is a wounding of the true self to such an extent that, to survive, it had to go into hiding most of the time, with the subsequent running of its life by the false or codependent self,” he wrote in “Co-Dependence: Healing the Human Condition” (Health Communications, 1991, p. 22). “It is thus a disease of lost self-hood.”

“… The child’s vulnerable true self… is wounded so often that to protect (it), it defensively submerges (splits off) deep within the unconscious part of the psyche,” he also noted (p. 27).

This split, one of the many detriments of codependence, arrests this development, as his inner child remains mired in the initial trauma that necessitated its creation. Although his chronological age may advance, his emotional and psychological progress remains suspended, creating the adult child. His body and physical statue may suggest the first part of this “adult” designation to others, but his reactions may more closely approximate the second “child” part of it.

Conflicted, he may engage in an internal battle he does not entirely understand, as his adult side wishes and needs to function at an age-appropriate level, but his child half clings to the sting of his unresolved harm, seeking sanctuary and safety. He is unable to satisfy both.

People naturally seek relief from pain and addictions and compulsions, a second manifestation of codependence, is one of the methods they employ, especially since they lack any understanding about their affliction. Because they spark the brain’s reward system, however, they only provide temporary, fleeting fixes, not solutions.

Exacerbating this dilemma is the fact that they flow from a false sense of self, which itself can only be mollified, quelled, or deceptively filled by these means.

Since their childhood circumstances were both familiar and normal to them, they subconsciously may also attract, now as adult children, those with similar upbringings by means of sixth-sense intuitions or identifications, creating a third codependent manifestation.

“… On (an even) deeper level,” according to Whitefield in “Co-Dependence: Healing the Human Condition” (Health Communications, 1991, p. 54), “they may also be drawn to one another in a search to heal their unfinished business and, perhaps more importantly, their lost self.”

Nevertheless, inter-relating with others who themselves function from the deficit-dug holes in their souls, they only re-create the childhood dynamics they experienced with their parents, substituting their partners for them and suffering a secondary form of wounding over and above the primary one sustained in childhood. In effect, they become another link in the intergenerational chain.

Even if they encounter whole, loving people, who are able to provide the needed acceptance and validation they crave, they are unable to accept it, since they do not function from the true self that otherwise could-nor, in the event, do they even believe that they deserve it. It bounces off of them like an image on a mirror, only creating yet a fourth byproduct of codependence.

Aside from the codependent foundation laid in childhood by dysfunctional parents, who themselves were wounded and caused the adult child syndrome upon which its codependent aspect was based, the condition is far more prevalent in society than may at first be apparent. Continually, but sometimes subtly modeled, it can almost be considered contagious.

4. Identifying Codependence:

One of the frustrating aspects of codependence is that it either wears a disguise or remains altogether hidden, prompting the behavioral modifications and almost-scripted roles of those who suffer from it, such as rescuer, people-pleaser, perfectionist, overachiever, victim, martyr, lost child, comedian, mascot, bully, and even abuser, that deludes others to the fact that it is present. The motivation for such behavior is not always immediately apparent.

Nevertheless, there are several traits which characterize codependence.

Sparked by the need to protect the traumatized inner child and arising, in part, from disordered relationships, it results, first and foremost, in the creation of the false self, which replaces the genuine, intrinsic one, and becomes the root of all other addictions and compulsions. The emptier a person feels inside, the more he seeks to fill that void outside.

“Codependence is not only the most common addiction,” according to Whitefield in “Co-Dependence: Healing the Human Condition” (Health Communications, 1991, pp. 5-6), “it is the base out of which all our other addictions and compulsions emerge. Underneath nearly every addiction and compulsion lies codependence. And what runs them is twofold: a sense of shame that our true self is somehow defective or inadequate, combined with the innate and healthy drive of our true self that does not realize and (cannot) express itself. The addiction, compulsion, or disorder becomes the manifestation of the erroneous notion that something outside ourselves can make us happy and fulfilled.”

And underlying codependence is shame and a deep belief that the person is inadequate, incomplete, and flawed.

Avoiding his own negative feelings and painful past, he becomes externally and other-focused, yet is unable to genuinely connect with them, with himself, or with a Higher Power of his understanding through the false or pseudo-self he was forced to create. In fact, this has the opposite or repelling effect.

His boundaries, another aspect of the disease, may be distorted, undefined, and extend beyond himself.

Finally, as a defense, codependence is learned, acquired, progressive, and inextricably tied to the adult child syndrome, since the false self serves as the link between the two.

5. Codependence and the Brain:

Codependence is both additive and breeds addictions. People’s actions are usually motivated by rewards and, in this case, the reward is the temporary disconnection from their painful pasts by focusing on others and the belief that doing so will bring them happiness and fulfillment, as they attempt to avoid their own emptiness and negative self-feelings.

Although they feel flawed because of their upbringing, the real flaw is that an external source can fill and replace an internal one. The more they look toward others, the more they deny and disconnect from their own needs, wants, and deficits.

“This love deficit condemns us to an existence of addiction, para-alcoholism, codependence, or seeking some other outward source to heal an inward feeling of being unwanted or defective,” according to the “Adult Children of Alcoholics” textbook (World Service Organization, 2006, p. 438).

Although certain strategies can temporarily relieve their adverse condition, such as avoiding, depending, obsessing, and compulsing, excessive reliance upon them, as ultimately occurs with codependence, exaggerates them and elevates them to addiction levels, transforming their “benefits” into deficits. Yet doing so is not a solution, since it fails to address the underlying reason for it and only ends up creating what can be considered a byproduct problem.

The more a person seeks gratification to rise above his unresolved past, the more he reinforces the neuro-pathway to pleasure in his brain, cementing the belief that this “other-person” addiction can provide satisfaction through external means-so much so, in fact, that the moment his “fix” is removed or is even threatened to be removed, he crashes and falls back into his pit of pain.

Like all addictions, however, its affects to not end there: indeed, the brain eventually creates a tolerance for them, demanding ever greater quantities, frequencies, and intensities to satisfy him, until he becomes that proverbial binary star, orbiting around others, unable to function without them, as he becomes nothing more than his mirror image.

“Just as we develop a tolerance to the effects of chemicals, we develop a tolerance to the effects of our behaviors… ,” according to Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse and Joseph Cruse in their book, “Understanding Codependency: The Science Behind it and How to Break the Cycle” (Health Communications, 2012, p. 33). “This vicious, one-way circle is a trap that ends in depression, isolation, institutions, and sometimes death.”

Excessive psychological and emotional reliance on others is, in essence, an exaggeration of normal personality traits and can ultimately disable a person, culminating in the disease of codependence. The way the body can quickly become dependent upon mood-altering chemicals, it can equally become physically dependent upon behaviors to the point that compulsions serve as his armament.

“The disease of codependency can be seen as a personal struggle with a variety of compulsive disorders,” Wegscheider-Cruse and Cruse wrote (Ibid, p. 131). “People… have lived in a condition of denial, distorted feelings, and compulsive behaviors, and as a result they have developed low self-worth, deep shame, inadequacy, and anger.”

But the codependent erroneously believes two mistruths. One is that he is intrinsically flawed and the other is that someone outside of himself can fill what he already possesses inside of himself.

6. Recovery:

Problems can be painful, but can often point to solutions-or, at the very least, that they need to be sought.

“Rather than being simply an escape from reality,” wrote Whitfield in “Co-Dependence: Healing the Human Condition” (Health Communications, 1991, p. 98), “codependence is also a search. It starts out as a search for happiness and fulfillment outside ourselves. After repeated frustration, it ultimately becomes a search for inner wholeness and completion.”

Unless recovery is undertaken, usually through therapy and twelve-step program venues, and understanding is achieved, the mistreatment, dysfunction, and abuse that causes a person’s early wound and transforms him into an adult child will only perpetuate, suppressing, paralyzing, or altogether removing the tenets of positive emotions, trust, and love needed for healthy human life and increasing the chances of its byproduct, codependence, by placing him on the fruitless path of looking outside of himself for fulfillment until it reaches addiction levels.

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Understanding the Necessary Changes for Adult Education

When a person decides to continue their education beyond high school, many times they will assume that this new education will be similar to the old education they received. The prospective student makes plans to do what they did before. After all, it worked then, so it should work now. This assumption of similarity leads many new adult students so far astray that they cannot modify their behavior, which means they will typically not complete their program of study, and will not receive the desired degree. All from a bad assumption.

The Cause of the Differences

The reasons high school and adult educations are so different stem from two distinct differences between the two styles of education: the source and the target. When you change the source of the education process, which is the beliefs and assumptions about the student, and the target of the education process, which is the desired level of understanding, it is not unreasonable that the process will change as well.

Adult education starts from a very different image of the student than high school. A high school student usually lives at home, with some level of support from parents. A high school student is also relatively free of responsibilities; very seldom does a high school student have a full-time job, a family, and a household to support. And a high school student is typically very inexperienced in running their own lives. Adult students tend to live on their own, with jobs and families and other responsibilities which must be balanced with school. Briefly, high school students are adolescents while adult students are, well, adults.

The goal of a high school education is to provide a foundational level of understanding of the world the student will be entering. High school classes are designed for a general population and to provide an understanding of the skills and knowledge that is needed for a new adult. Adult education is designed for a much more focused result, providing a more in-depth understanding of a particular subject matter. This focus means that other skills and other aspects of the student are ignored by the courses of an adult program of study.

Implications for the Student

An adult student must approach their courses with a different mindset, and a different set of behaviors, than a high school student. The adult student is given more control over their behavior, and more responsibility.

An adult student is responsible for making sure the work for the class is done, not the teacher. The student will be periodically reminded about missing and upcoming work, but the responsibility for getting the work done is the student’s, not the teacher’s. Many teachers will not allow for late work, or will penalize late work severely. And much of the work of adult classes is done outside of the class.

Classes in adult education cover more material in the same period of time. The teacher will often cover the material once or twice with the assumption that any student who does not understand will work outside of class to learn it and/or will come visit the instructor during office hours. While the adult can expect some repetition in the class, it will be significantly less than what they experienced in high school.

Adult students need to practice time management to a much greater degree than high school students. This need for time management comes from both the increased work load from the course and from the other facets of the student’s life. Adult students are assumed to handle this time management, and if they are having problems they need to seek the necessary help.

Finally, adult students are responsible for their own commitment to the course. High school teachers, given the adolescent nature of their students, are constantly working to get the student to understand why something is studied. This is much less important to an adult teacher; while an adult teacher may provide some justification for the study of certain subjects, the justification for being in school should already be present in an adult student. It is, after all, the student’s choice to attend.

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